Friday, January 17, 2014
Not so socialistic at heart: Wisconsin the US Greece
Not so socialistic at heart: Wisconsin the US Greece: While driving to school today I heard on the radio about the events in Wisconsin. After few minutes I had to double check if I am hearing ri...
Not so socialistic at heart: Wave of Socialistic tendencies is a sign of the ti...
Not so socialistic at heart: Wave of Socialistic tendencies is a sign of the ti...: Looking at the awakened wave of protests around the country would not concern me if I didn't digest the insider memo so to speak. In ove...
Not so socialistic at heart: Obama Zombies
Not so socialistic at heart: Obama Zombies: I have just finished reading "Obama Zombies" by Jason Mattera, had a pleasure to actually exchange emails with the author. After r...
Not so socialistic at heart: What is Fair? Who gets to define it?
Not so socialistic at heart: What is Fair? Who gets to define it?: They don't appear as often and as vivid as they did when I first landed on the new planet called Utah. Ok it is not a planet but it felt...
Not so socialistic at heart: Something on my mind
Not so socialistic at heart: Something on my mind: The last week has been filled with memories, people and places I have known, seen, lived with or in so many years ago while in College. The ...
Not so socialistic at heart: Seeing them grow up
Not so socialistic at heart: Seeing them grow up: I know I have had life before my kids. I am quiet certain it was even a fulfilling and pretty successful one, but I didn't really live f...
Seeing them grow up
I know I have had life before my kids. I am quiet certain it was even a fulfilling and pretty successful one, but I didn't really live fully, deeply until those little people arrived into my arms. I catch myself thinking about life after they grow up, graduate, get married and I enter into an anxiety with shortness of breath stage. I start having bad dreams and see more danger around them than there probably is.
My children are my life. I wish I started earlier and could have had many more. They are not easy children, they have minds of their own and are busy and active and challenging in their own, individual way, but they are the best things in my life. I have listened to a Michael Medved radio show today while driving my son to dance. Diane Medved was a guest on her husband's show, she has a Phd in psychology or other behavioral science.
The conversation was about a study on who is happier, people who have children or people who don't. Besides some definitions clarifications, there seemed to be a portion of our society that doesn't want to have children. Perfectly fine, some people are not fit to be parents.
Long time ago, when I was younger, going thru my master's programs, having fun with my friends and figuring out what I want in life, I too didn't want to have children. I was convinced I wouldn't have any idea how to take care of them and how to keep them safe and most of all how to deal with the annoying crying.
Many years later, as I have matured and accomplished enough to be satisfied with my intellectual growth, got married I become open to having children. Still it was not a craving, calling, burning desire. I was selfishly worried about my life being over, because some little person would come into my life and take it. Not literally of course, even tough some mothers do loose their life in child birth, or become so deeply depressed, that it is almost as if their life was sucked out of them.
In my case I was not worried about either of the possibilities, I was more concerned about my freedom to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted.
I have witnessed my friends' lives being crippled by children.. Seeing the demands of motherhood was almost more than taking on a new degree, Phd spdeseetation, masters in foreign language.
I was ready tough, I grew up, I become more mature and there was no better time. My first born son was not an easy pregnancy. It wasn't very bad, but my body wasn't very cooperative. Sometimes it felt as my body was reflecting my psychological attitudes. I was protective of my unborn baby, but hated the visual evidence of being pregnant. OK I do not find pregnancy beautiful. Oversized stomach, penguin like walking, uncomfortable sleeping, and birth. birth was the most horrible thing I could experience. Oh, I know, people think it is a miracle, and maybe it is, maybe it is an act of nature. Whatever we think it is, I hated every second of it. I flet humiliated by army of health professionals walking in and out of my room, I hated the dead end situation, knowing there is only one way for me toget out of that hospital, and it is to deliver.
The first delivery took 28 hours and my precious baby entered this world. The emotions going thru my system had been so strong and overwhelming, that I felt like it was some out of body experience. Surely, it could not have been me. Me the pragmatic, cool, calculated, planned mother to be turned into a mosh. The first two weeks were an emotional roller coaster. Crying, sleeping, scared, angry, depressed, overwhelmed. I was experiencing the post Parfums depression and I could not believe in my own ability to take care of this beautiful, amazing little baby, my son. I didn't have a clue what I was going thru. No book, no school, no degree can prepare anyone for the first time parenthood. I was loosing my mind, worse, as a therapist I have seen such horrible things done to children, I could not comprehend how I could possibly protect that amazing, little boy from all the perverts in the world. I told my husband we would be doing David a favor if he went to live with someone else, a mom who can protect him.
Rightfully so, my husband was horrified. He couldn't understand why I would suggest something like this. He loved our baby so much, I loved our baby so much, but being a mom, forever, no going back scared me to death. It was a life long commitment to this little, innocent, helpless boy. Beautiful, sweet boy. It took me a week to calm down enough to realize I was loosing my cool. I only had two weeks vacation/maternity, after that I had to go back to work, I had to keep seeing clients and listen to some horrible stories of abuse, neglect, depression and more. My perspective on life had changed so drastically, suddenly my friends, however wonderful were not my main focal point, suddenly the center of my universe was that little baby boy. My body physically missed him, my heart broke every minute I was away from him, my soul was in pain if I didn't see him for few hours.
My body was tired, my eyes would close in the middle of the day, heavy with lack of sleep, but my heart would jump out each time I heard my son. Than the paranoia kicked in. Danger was everywhere. My instinct was hyper vigilant and I could not trust anyone. We had a babysitter, an older lady, who raised 8 kids, took on foster children, was soft spoken and absolutely amazing. She was the grandmother Dsvid didn't have. She loved him, I heard him giggle with her, smile, to her and respond to her with his inner trust. I was jellis, I wanted to be the one seeing every minute of my baby's growth, development, but I could not. My husband was in school and I needed to work. I used every minute of my time off work to hold my baby, to play with him and my heart was falling in love deeper and deeper, until it drowned, sunk and was forever lost in live with my child. I cannot imagine life without my children. david was first, after relaxing, loosening up and trusting that I can protect him, we decided to have more children.
Each one a treasure in its own way. A.eks the independent, dare devil, soft heart, and hard act. Hanna the Princess with the lungs to scream bloody murder if things don't go her way.
Yes, crying still annoys me. If there is no reason to cry, such as pain, sickness, danger, I do not put up with crying, but my children know I will fight for them to my last drop of blood, I will go to the end of the earth for them, and I will push them to the ends of their ability to prepare them for their futures. The futures that will soon enough lead them away from me and into their own lives.
I cannot imagine life without my babies, I wish I had more, but I know the first one, my David is going to be the hardest to see leave, because he has always been the first in everything. He is my trail and error, he is my soul. I should have, could have done things differently with him, with all of them. I could have been less protective, controlling, expecting, but I know I did the best I could with the emotional capacity I had. My love for my babies is so overwhelming, that it still takes my breath away. Nobody can know the feeling, unless they go thru it themselves. My life, my world changed with my son's first breath. I didn't know what love is before I held him in my arms for the first time. Even tough there had np been dark, scary moments, we both emerged from them and we all build our family with our children at the center of our existence. I am not an easy mom. My kids do not get easy life. They have to do what they are asked to do, there are expectations as high as their abilities, but mama bear has always been there for them and all it takes is a little squeak of complaint and I am taking on the world, fixing things, making life easier, opening the door of opportunities. I pray they will be happy in the future.
My children are my life. I wish I started earlier and could have had many more. They are not easy children, they have minds of their own and are busy and active and challenging in their own, individual way, but they are the best things in my life. I have listened to a Michael Medved radio show today while driving my son to dance. Diane Medved was a guest on her husband's show, she has a Phd in psychology or other behavioral science.
The conversation was about a study on who is happier, people who have children or people who don't. Besides some definitions clarifications, there seemed to be a portion of our society that doesn't want to have children. Perfectly fine, some people are not fit to be parents.
Long time ago, when I was younger, going thru my master's programs, having fun with my friends and figuring out what I want in life, I too didn't want to have children. I was convinced I wouldn't have any idea how to take care of them and how to keep them safe and most of all how to deal with the annoying crying.
Many years later, as I have matured and accomplished enough to be satisfied with my intellectual growth, got married I become open to having children. Still it was not a craving, calling, burning desire. I was selfishly worried about my life being over, because some little person would come into my life and take it. Not literally of course, even tough some mothers do loose their life in child birth, or become so deeply depressed, that it is almost as if their life was sucked out of them.
In my case I was not worried about either of the possibilities, I was more concerned about my freedom to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted.
I have witnessed my friends' lives being crippled by children.. Seeing the demands of motherhood was almost more than taking on a new degree, Phd spdeseetation, masters in foreign language.
I was ready tough, I grew up, I become more mature and there was no better time. My first born son was not an easy pregnancy. It wasn't very bad, but my body wasn't very cooperative. Sometimes it felt as my body was reflecting my psychological attitudes. I was protective of my unborn baby, but hated the visual evidence of being pregnant. OK I do not find pregnancy beautiful. Oversized stomach, penguin like walking, uncomfortable sleeping, and birth. birth was the most horrible thing I could experience. Oh, I know, people think it is a miracle, and maybe it is, maybe it is an act of nature. Whatever we think it is, I hated every second of it. I flet humiliated by army of health professionals walking in and out of my room, I hated the dead end situation, knowing there is only one way for me toget out of that hospital, and it is to deliver.
The first delivery took 28 hours and my precious baby entered this world. The emotions going thru my system had been so strong and overwhelming, that I felt like it was some out of body experience. Surely, it could not have been me. Me the pragmatic, cool, calculated, planned mother to be turned into a mosh. The first two weeks were an emotional roller coaster. Crying, sleeping, scared, angry, depressed, overwhelmed. I was experiencing the post Parfums depression and I could not believe in my own ability to take care of this beautiful, amazing little baby, my son. I didn't have a clue what I was going thru. No book, no school, no degree can prepare anyone for the first time parenthood. I was loosing my mind, worse, as a therapist I have seen such horrible things done to children, I could not comprehend how I could possibly protect that amazing, little boy from all the perverts in the world. I told my husband we would be doing David a favor if he went to live with someone else, a mom who can protect him.
Rightfully so, my husband was horrified. He couldn't understand why I would suggest something like this. He loved our baby so much, I loved our baby so much, but being a mom, forever, no going back scared me to death. It was a life long commitment to this little, innocent, helpless boy. Beautiful, sweet boy. It took me a week to calm down enough to realize I was loosing my cool. I only had two weeks vacation/maternity, after that I had to go back to work, I had to keep seeing clients and listen to some horrible stories of abuse, neglect, depression and more. My perspective on life had changed so drastically, suddenly my friends, however wonderful were not my main focal point, suddenly the center of my universe was that little baby boy. My body physically missed him, my heart broke every minute I was away from him, my soul was in pain if I didn't see him for few hours.
My body was tired, my eyes would close in the middle of the day, heavy with lack of sleep, but my heart would jump out each time I heard my son. Than the paranoia kicked in. Danger was everywhere. My instinct was hyper vigilant and I could not trust anyone. We had a babysitter, an older lady, who raised 8 kids, took on foster children, was soft spoken and absolutely amazing. She was the grandmother Dsvid didn't have. She loved him, I heard him giggle with her, smile, to her and respond to her with his inner trust. I was jellis, I wanted to be the one seeing every minute of my baby's growth, development, but I could not. My husband was in school and I needed to work. I used every minute of my time off work to hold my baby, to play with him and my heart was falling in love deeper and deeper, until it drowned, sunk and was forever lost in live with my child. I cannot imagine life without my children. david was first, after relaxing, loosening up and trusting that I can protect him, we decided to have more children.
Each one a treasure in its own way. A.eks the independent, dare devil, soft heart, and hard act. Hanna the Princess with the lungs to scream bloody murder if things don't go her way.
Yes, crying still annoys me. If there is no reason to cry, such as pain, sickness, danger, I do not put up with crying, but my children know I will fight for them to my last drop of blood, I will go to the end of the earth for them, and I will push them to the ends of their ability to prepare them for their futures. The futures that will soon enough lead them away from me and into their own lives.
I cannot imagine life without my babies, I wish I had more, but I know the first one, my David is going to be the hardest to see leave, because he has always been the first in everything. He is my trail and error, he is my soul. I should have, could have done things differently with him, with all of them. I could have been less protective, controlling, expecting, but I know I did the best I could with the emotional capacity I had. My love for my babies is so overwhelming, that it still takes my breath away. Nobody can know the feeling, unless they go thru it themselves. My life, my world changed with my son's first breath. I didn't know what love is before I held him in my arms for the first time. Even tough there had np been dark, scary moments, we both emerged from them and we all build our family with our children at the center of our existence. I am not an easy mom. My kids do not get easy life. They have to do what they are asked to do, there are expectations as high as their abilities, but mama bear has always been there for them and all it takes is a little squeak of complaint and I am taking on the world, fixing things, making life easier, opening the door of opportunities. I pray they will be happy in the future.
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